The Internal Battle Between Cynicism and Character
What does that mean? Lately I've come to realize that I often feel so cynical about life that it is starting to rob me of my character. While it is good to use my brain and figure things out, I think my cynical views have started to effect my life decisions and I'm becoming mister play it safe.
I have always had an overall optimistic personality. I feel like this is a big part of my character. People who know me know that I am a slightly sarcastic, easy going, optimist. Now a days though I see things more clearly, I see that the opportunity to raise my self up financially is just not there. Social mobility was a fun idea in the fifties and sixties when everything was cheap or even in the 90's when Clinton was President but it really is just not here anymore. Everything is who you know, and whether or not they like you enough to help you out and give you an opportunity.
Cynicism often makes me feel intelligent at times, like I have stuff figured out that other people are either ignoring or are ignorant of. This is all well and good, an inner gratification I suppose, but it also seems to be crushing my soul. Little aspects of my life, things I have enjoyed immensely over the years are starting to become blah to me. Does this mean I am growing as a person? Or am I robbing myself of enjoyment because I can't allow myself to enjoy the sometimes fantastic possibilities the world has to offer?
For example I really enjoy a good ghost story, I've heard many personal experiences and I've watched many interesting videos, television shows, and books on the subject.
Lately though I can't even watch that stuff anymore. It all just seems fake to me, I feel like that pretty much anybody could tell me they have seen a spirit and I would probably doubt it. Scientifically ghost stories are just ghost stories. My cynicism on the subject has robbed me of this enjoyment.
Video games, and online gaming are super fun and interesting to me. I'm starting to feel that they are a huge waste of my time. I feel guilty for spending two hours playing the PS3 or a couple hours on the computer playing on my Steam account. Like I'm a fucking loser that should be doing something meaningful instead of playing games. Is that right? I guess it depends on your personal opinion on the issue but while I do feel the guilt I often don't know what I really should be doing instead?
I am starting to at least see the appeal of drug use and/or religious worship which I think both can be used to fill a void in a persons life. Drugs take you to a different place mentally, and act as an escape and I think religion for the most part does the same thing. If I believe there is something better waiting for me over the magical horizon than that would make life better I suppose. Or if I was fucked up enough to believe life is great now or at least great while I'm on drugs than that would make life better also.
Don't worry I haven't become a drug addict or a religious person but I guess I can at least see the appeal. So the question I have to figure out is pretty much the question everyone strives to figure out, "Who am I?". What is my character built on? A self righteous cynic? An eternal optimist who is waiting for his big break in life? Am I happy to have accomplished what I have accomplished thus far? Do I need a lot of big changes in my life all at once or should I take it slow, one step at a time?
I have always had an overall optimistic personality. I feel like this is a big part of my character. People who know me know that I am a slightly sarcastic, easy going, optimist. Now a days though I see things more clearly, I see that the opportunity to raise my self up financially is just not there. Social mobility was a fun idea in the fifties and sixties when everything was cheap or even in the 90's when Clinton was President but it really is just not here anymore. Everything is who you know, and whether or not they like you enough to help you out and give you an opportunity.
Cynicism often makes me feel intelligent at times, like I have stuff figured out that other people are either ignoring or are ignorant of. This is all well and good, an inner gratification I suppose, but it also seems to be crushing my soul. Little aspects of my life, things I have enjoyed immensely over the years are starting to become blah to me. Does this mean I am growing as a person? Or am I robbing myself of enjoyment because I can't allow myself to enjoy the sometimes fantastic possibilities the world has to offer?
For example I really enjoy a good ghost story, I've heard many personal experiences and I've watched many interesting videos, television shows, and books on the subject.
Lately though I can't even watch that stuff anymore. It all just seems fake to me, I feel like that pretty much anybody could tell me they have seen a spirit and I would probably doubt it. Scientifically ghost stories are just ghost stories. My cynicism on the subject has robbed me of this enjoyment.
Video games, and online gaming are super fun and interesting to me. I'm starting to feel that they are a huge waste of my time. I feel guilty for spending two hours playing the PS3 or a couple hours on the computer playing on my Steam account. Like I'm a fucking loser that should be doing something meaningful instead of playing games. Is that right? I guess it depends on your personal opinion on the issue but while I do feel the guilt I often don't know what I really should be doing instead?
I am starting to at least see the appeal of drug use and/or religious worship which I think both can be used to fill a void in a persons life. Drugs take you to a different place mentally, and act as an escape and I think religion for the most part does the same thing. If I believe there is something better waiting for me over the magical horizon than that would make life better I suppose. Or if I was fucked up enough to believe life is great now or at least great while I'm on drugs than that would make life better also.
Don't worry I haven't become a drug addict or a religious person but I guess I can at least see the appeal. So the question I have to figure out is pretty much the question everyone strives to figure out, "Who am I?". What is my character built on? A self righteous cynic? An eternal optimist who is waiting for his big break in life? Am I happy to have accomplished what I have accomplished thus far? Do I need a lot of big changes in my life all at once or should I take it slow, one step at a time?
william, my dear billy.. you know what it is? Its fucking growing up. It's getting old. As far as I can tell it is. I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same kinds of shit. Lets take Halloween for instance. You know me and Halloween, I fn love it and if not for me telling you you wouldnt have thought anything has changed but i have to try so hard to retain that feeling i once had for Halloween. Not to say i dont enjoy it exactly, it just doesn't feel the same. Its lost some of its magik, which is the whole appeal of it.
ReplyDeleteFew years back, several years maybe, i finally figured out i was an anarchist. A true black anarchist. negro anarquista, lol. And because I am, its made me just as cynical as you. You come to realize just how fucked the world is and it makes you just want to quit. You grow up thinking you could change things or help things or whatever and after being trampled on a few times, you realize your just a expendable cog in a machine run by a club whom your not a member. I try as hard as I can to live like an anarchist. I use to be able to do that ok but these days with a family, its hard as fuck to stay within my values because i need to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads and im not going to do that by sticking it to the man. its hard, it sucks.
Heres a good quote for you dude, when you think your a piece of shit for enjoying something you use to enjoy because it doesnt make any money or something think this: Dont take life too seriously, your not going to get out alive anyways. To me its a reminder that for all we know we get one go around ya know, so fuck money,fuck being successful, just be happy. If playing on the ps3 gives you satisfaction, then fn do it. i do it. Watch those fn ghost shows, i still do because yes, you are robbing yourself of enjoyment. Life is what you make of it, fuck growing up, be happy.. \m/ <3 love u man
Thanks man! It is good to hear that it's not just me.
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